My Thyroid Journey

I'll be honest. I feel a little silly writing about this, or even naming this post in such a way. I keep thinking to myself that I'm not sick enough to even discuss it. But at the same time I felt so awful that I want others to know that they can feel better if they really dig deeper. This is a very lengthy post. So bear with me.

It all started in my early 20's. I noticed I was gaining weight really easily. It was getting almost impossible to lose it. But hey, that's what happens with age right? I was only 20 lbs over my high school weight so I blew it off. I really think that was the beginning. Everything I read and calculators I used would say how many calories I should eat and lose weight. But I would look at the number and say "There's no way. I'd gain even more weight if I ate that much." In my mid 20's we started trying to have kids. It took about a year, or a little over, to get pregnant. I've discussed my miscarriages before so I'll skip forward. Two miscarriages later my OB ran a panel of tests to rule out any contributing factors. He mentioned he was testing my thyroid. Told me everything looked fine and they were probably both flukes. At this point I hadn't done any research into thyroid issues so I dismissed it this time as well.

Fast forward to Cady. Her pregnancy and birth were uneventful and quite pleasant. After Cady was born I had ppd. But I wasn't really surprised. It passed by the time she was 9 months. My milk supply was never great but we toughed it out until she started losing weight at 7/8 months. My gut told me she was never getting enough after about 3 months old, but once again I listened to the docs who assured me she was healthy. Even if fussy and 5% on the charts. Couldn't lose the weight after her. At this point I've gained 33 lbs since high school. Not happy about it. But what could I really do other than my best.

Fast forward to Addison. My pregnancy was miserable. From the very beginning. My joints hurt so bad that I would waddle on our walks when I was only 2 months along. I brought my concerns to my OB who just brushed it off and said sometimes things happen earlier with #2. He probably thought I was a complainer. But I have to be pretty sick before I even go to a doctor. I'm not a complainer. I knew deep down it wasn't normal to feel this way. But once again, I trusted my doc. Which is important, don't get me wrong. Just please don't blow it off when your gut tells you something is wrong. My entire pregnancy I was in pain and completely exhausted. I mean sleep on the couch all day and sleep all night tired. I don't know how Cady survived that time, but she did.

After Addison was born I felt great for the first month. Tired with a newborn, but I felt pretty good. I had night sweats when Cady was born and burned up. I even froze Justin out and I didn't know that was possile. But when Addi was born (March 2013), I was freezing. From then on. It didn't go away. I'm talking middle of summer I had on pants, t-shirt, sweatshirt, two pairs of socks, huddled under the blanket on the couch shivering.  I.was.cold. When she was 1 month old I was only 10 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. In the next three months I gained 20 lbs. TWENTY.STINKING.POUNDS. In just 3 months. I tried doing couch to 5k. But I could only make it to week 2. I just didn't have the lung power and my body just couldn't do it. And I felt ridiculous. The joint and other pains continued. I felt so silly for not being able to lose the weight. After a while I was just trying to slow down the gain, but it just didn't work. At my highest I had gained at least 62 lbs since high school. I quit weighing at a point because I just couldn't stand to watch anymore. So it was possibly a little more.

I finally went to my PCP and they checked my TSH. They left a message saying it was normal. That wasn't good enough for me. I might have just started my research, but I knew to call back and get the actual number. It was 2.6. I knew based on my readings that the level endocrinologist aim for in treatment is 1.5. Out of curiosity I call my OB to request my labs from 2009 after the miscarriages. My TSH was 3.441. Based on what I had read I knew that for pregnancy anything over 2.5 puts you at risk for miscarriage.

At this point I started digging deeper, reading books, examining symptoms and past issues. I made the mistake of reading thyroid message boards a little too much and it discouraged me from seeking treatment. Simply because, if you read only patient websites you're going to read mostly "Doctors don't know how to treat us. I still feel miserable. Good docs are hard to come by." So I thought why bother? I also thought, "I'm not as sick as these people so nobody will treat me." But as time went on I could see it affecting my relationships. I could tell a difference in my brain functioning. I wouldn't talk as much with Justin because I felt like an idiot. I was constantly losing words or forgetting the rest of my sentence. I couldn't do simple math in my head. I had trouble processing when somebody else was talking. At this point I knew I had to at least try.

I started researching docs in LR. I knew if they were hard to come by, and a higher copay, I had to do my research. I didn't want to doctor hop around. I couldn't afford that. I was given several good recommendations, but after my hairdresser gave me the name of her daughter's endo (who sees several young people and not just older adults) I knew I had to try her. She told me that she will listen to symptoms as well as follow your blood work. I called to make an appointment in December 2013 but there was a 4 month wait for new patients. I knew it was worth it. So I waited.

First thing she did was check my TSH as well as Vitamin D and TPO (antibodies that indicate Hashimotos). My TSH was 2.29 (down from the previous summer) but my Vitamin D was extremely low. She wanted to start with the basics and go from there. I was fine with this because I knew I'd see her again in 3 months. I could tell some difference with the vitamin D treatment but I still didn't feel right. I went back and vitamin d was back in check. My TSH had gone up to 3.61. She said she wasn't convinced I'm hypothyroid, but she was willing to let me try a very small dose of Synthroid (half the smallest dose prescribed) if I wanted. I definitely did.

My first month I used the generic form. I wasn't too impressed. When I came due for a refill I asked for the brand name. I could tell a difference within the first week. I was feeling much better, more rested. I didn't feel 100%, but I definitely didn't feel like a zombie anymore. I went back for bloodwork to monitor progress. She said labs looked good. I didn't even ask the numbers. At this point I knew how the meds would affect me and I felt that going to the next increment would be all I needed. So I requested it. She obliged. I started Wednesday taking my new dose. It's hard to tell a difference yet. But I'm also scared of trying to add physical activity for fear it'll knock me on the couch by lunch. But I figure in a week or two I should be safe to give it a go and add more tasks to my day.

I can already tell my relationship with Cady is much more relaxed. I'm not on edge like I was. I get out of bed with energy again. I'm not bouncing around, but I'm not half out of it like I never went to bed. My problem lately is sustaining the energy. I have to ration out my "to dos" for the day.

It can be really hard (emotionally) to attack a subtle thyroid issue. If you're putting on a little weight, people will say you just need to move more and eat less. If you're depressed they tell you to take an antidepressant. If you're exhausted they'll say "Of course you are. You're a mom!" If you have trouble getting anything done then they say you're lazy and just need to do it. If you're having trouble coping with everyday stresses they'll tell you to put your big girl panties on and get over it. But YOU know you. YOU know your body. If your gut tells you something is wrong. Then by golly dig into it. Even with knowing I have a slow thyroid I still hear some of these above. Some people will say that you're just using your thyroid as a crutch for a weight issue or something else. YOU CAN'T FAKE THE NUMBERS AND SYMPTOMS. If your TSH is higher than optimal then you will have issues you can't control. Sometime soon when I have time I'll post my symptoms that drove me to see a specialist. There's a story also that depicts the energy crisis you can face to help explain it to loved ones. Please don't hesitate to ask me questions. I've always been an open book and I don't plan to stop. Feel free to private message me as well. Until next time...