Time Flies! Coming full circle...

It seems like it was just a year or two ago that we were trying our dangedest to get pregnant. Our struggle went from wanting a child to just wanting to prove to myself that I could carry a child to term. I can't remember when we started trying, but it wasn't until 2008 when I got pregnant the first time. We miscarried in July/August. I got pregnant again February and miscarried in April. That fall of 2009 I got pregnant with Cady and it was the most wonderful pregnancy known to man I swear. I honestly resented her for being born because that meant the end of a pregnancy I tried so so hard for. Needless to say we decided to keep her anyway. She was such a challenge that it took me until she was 17 months old to even entertain the thought of giving her a sibling SOME DAY. The month she turned 2 was the month I got pregnant with Addison. That pregnancy was less than stellar. I couldn't wait to get her here so that all the pains would go away. She was a difficult baby the first 6 weeks, but from what I can tell she will be a more easy going, happy child. She smiles constantly. However, I felt after she was born that I was done. It took me 2 months to come to the decision, but I just felt I was ready to move on to the next chapter of our lives. I wanted to move out of the baby making stage and move on to raising our girls and having fun watching them grow. I'm ready to plan our State Park trips and for both of them to be able to participate without me being distracted with another little one. I'm just ready. So here I am, 1 day post-op. I almost want to cry because time has passed so quickly. I had a tubal ligation yesterday. I'm sad not because I can't have another baby. Quite the opposite. I really really don't want to have another baby. It's just that the baby having days went so fast. I'm trying to convince myself that having the tubal doesn't mean I'm ungrateful. I almost feel guilty for having it because we did try so so hard to have kids. I have friends right now struggling to have kids and I feel so bad for them. But I have to remind myself that we have struggled through our journey. Now I can just pray that God brings them through their's as well. Why did I choose a tubal? Since watching my mom and various other family members struggle with various types of cancer, it terrifies me to get involved in anything that might even pose a risk for cancer. My relationship with birth control has been love hate. With 2 kids there's no way I'd remember to take it. It throws my body out of whack in that I just don't feel myself. I might have my body back in terms of kids. But I feel like bc was running my body too and I just want to be back to normal. Not to mention that it's pumping extra hormones into my body that may or may not increase my odds for meeting my mom's fate. Side note: I really need to see if my insurance will cover blood testing for the breast cancer gene. I apologize that this post is really disjointed. I'm rambling more than anything. But sitting here the day after surgery I just feel like it's the first day of a new chapter for us. It's bittersweet. But nonetheless inevitable. Now to heal, raise my girls, and enjoy my family. P.S. Please buy our baby stuff! It needs a loving home.